You killed yourself today.
Yesterday you asked me for forgiveness. I grew up, became a woman, became a mom without you. I went through all my childhood milestones without you. But none the less I forgave you. I told you that all of that was in the past. The only thing that mattered now was today and the future.
You cried over the phone and told me you loved me, and I had no idea how much it meant to hear those words. You kept repeating that; “you have no idea, you have no idea how it makes me feel to hear you say that. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Click.
That was the last time we spoke. I went out that night to celebrate my birthday with my boyfriend as we had discussed the day before. You told me you were happy that I was going out and that I should enjoy my birthday. You said “Happy Birthday.” 28 birthdays had passed, this was the first one you got to say Happy Birthday. This one was special. 29, the last year in my twenties and I had finally started a meaningful/healing relationship with my long lost biological dad.
We were talking every day, sometimes three times a day. I knew you were going through a tough time. I made sure to answer every single one of your calls. I thought I was making a difference in your life. I figured I was helping you get through your issues. I knew you were in pain. I knew you were suffering. The morning before you ended your suffering you texted me a picture from the post office of a box that you said held my inheritance. I thought nothing of it. I thought that you were just giving me this gift as a birthday present. I didn’t put two and two together…
You left me here, alone to pick up the pieces. The first thought that goes through my mind is that I cannot imagine the pain you must have been feeling to decide to take your life; that the pain you felt was so intense that you felt that if you just stopped breathing that you would finally have some peace, then I feel it. I feel the pain you felt because by deciding to end your life you did not stop the pain, you just passed it on to me. You left me wondering what could I have said or done differently to let you know that you mattered to me. I tried to be there for you as much as I could daddy. I thought that I was lifting your spirits through your rough time. Were our talks not enough? Was it something I said or didn’t say?
I am angry with you papi. You hurt me by doing this. You left me with so many unanswered questions that I deserved to have answered after all this time.
Did I cross your mind when you decided to sit on the floor against your bed and put my grandfather’s pistol to your head? Did you know the damage it would do to me? We healed one wound I had carried for a very long time, only for you to break my heart all over again in a permanent way.
I love you and pray for your soul daddy. I pray you found peace. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.
If you are contemplating ending your pain please remember: SOMEONE OUT THERE NEEDS YOU TO KEEP LIVING.
1-800-273-8255 Call the National Suicide hotline
or text LIFE to 61222.